and next time when you feel me up, do it right
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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