i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
