so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
