The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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