i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
