did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Is it penis luge time yet?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
