I was born with a shot glass in my hand
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
