I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize