Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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