this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
