Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
