last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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