She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
