Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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