everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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