Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
