Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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