I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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