First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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