My Higher Power is John Stamos
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize