After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
