I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Randomize
