I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
