birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
