I cannot find my penis.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
