The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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