Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
did i just pee glitter
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
