I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
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