you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
