my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
