Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
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