i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
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