I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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