he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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