You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
