Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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