I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
