Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
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