Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
