I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
She even gives head with a lisp.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
