theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
