She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Randomize
