Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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