i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
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