Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
