had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
