I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
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