So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
