moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
