Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
