i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize