my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
