I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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