nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
