How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
