I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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