May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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