so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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