The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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