So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
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