You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
