for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
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