I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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