I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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